A LEAP YEAR LEAP
A monologue by Walter
Ben Hare
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NOTE: This monologue is reprinted
from Bran' New Monologues. Walter Ben Hare. Boston: Walter
H. Baker & Co., 1920. |
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- MARTHA: I've made up my mind at last. I'll throw convention
to the winds and show the world that I'm a new woman. I'll do
it--I'll do it to-night! I'll propose to Reginald Brady. [A
little faster.] I've considered the question from every possible
stand-point and I've come to the conclusion that a girl of to-day
has just as much right to propose marriage as a man has. For
centuries the poor girl has had to sit quietly by waiting for
a man to snap his fingers before she can say, "Thank you!"
Now, I'll do the snapping! Reginald has been calling on me three
times a week for the past year--but [Sadly] never a word
about love, never a thrill or a hand-clasp, never a syllable
about matrimony. I can't stand it any longer, and I won't. To-night
is my chance. I am to escort him to the Leap Year Ball at the
Country Club and I intend to ask him right out, pointblank, to
marry me. Am I right? I'll say so. [Pause] I wonder if
he'll take it as a joke. He can't; it's a tragedy. He'll read
tragedy in my voice, in my face. I'd die if he didn't take it
seriously, but of course he will. I wonder if I'm feverish. [Looks
in small pocket mirror.] I am, I know I am. My face is flushed,
and I'm hot and my heart is beating like everything. But my mind
is made up. To-night I'll make a leap year leap. I'll propose
on the veranda overlooking the lake. [Pulls a large chair
forward.] He'll be sitting there and I'll be sitting here.
[Pulls small chair close to large chair.] No, I'll be
closer than that. [Puts small chair closer to large chair.]
I'll start by resting my hand on the arm of his chair, like that.
No, that isn't careless enought. That's better. Wait a minute,
I'll have to have a Reginald. [Places a pillow in large chair
and puts a man's hat on it.] Hello, Reggy! It's not a very
striking likeness, but it's the best I can do. Ah! [Sentimentally]
Isn't the moon bright tonight, Reginald? [Pause] Don't
you just adore a moonlight night? [Pause] Yes, so do I.
It makes me so sentimental. [Pause] Don't you feel sentimental,
too? The moon shining on the lake, and the music, and the perfume
of the roses, and everything. [With a long, audible sigh.]
Ohhh! it's just heavenly. [Pause] Oh, no, I'm not the
least bit chilly. Chilly? Why, I'm burning up. [Sentimentally]
'Twas on such a night as this that what-cha-call her stood on
the banks and waved a willow wand at Cypress. A night for romance,
a night for love. [Matter-of-fact tone.] That isn't very
good. It doesn't seem to lead to anything. No, it's too much
introduction. I'll start right in at the critical moment. [Deep,
sepulchral voice.] Reginald! [Normal voice.] Oh, no,
that would probably scare him to death. [High, throaty voice.]
Reginald, dear! [Normal.] Too high, he'd think I'd seen
a mouse or something. Er-- [Clears throat] hum! Reginald!
That's much better. Reginald, the subject I am about to introduce
will probably cause you some surprise. [To audience.] I
should think it would. [To dummy.] But I trust it will
cause you some feeling of joy. You surely must have learned during
the past year--during the past year--you must have learned--that
I--that you--that we--both of us--during the past year [Clears
throat] hem! You must have learned-- [To audience.]
Oh, fudge, I can't make it sound natural, at all. [In a confidential
tone to the dummy.] Say, Reggy, you and I seem to hit it
off awfully well together. We've seen a lot of each other during
the past year and we always get on like a house afire, you and
I. I was just wondering why we couldn't always get on that way
together, all through life, I mean, until death do us part. You
know what I mean. [To audience.] That's splendid. [To
dummy.] I never cared for any other man the way I care for
you, Reginald. Don't you care a little for me, too? If you do,
why don't you say so, and make me the happiest----! [Rises
suddenly in alarm, as the maid is supposed to have entered the
room.] Who's there? Mercy, is that you, Marie? I wish you
would knock before you enter my room. [Pause] You did knock?
Well, knock louder. I didn't hear you. I was just ... rehearsing
a little scene from a play. Please don't giggle. I must say,
Marie, that you giggle more than any maid we ever had in the
house. There's nothing at all to giggle at. What do you want?
[Pause] A letter--for me? A special delivery? Oh. Thank
you. [Pantomimes looking at the envelope.] Reggy's writing!
Oh, he must be sick or something. [Opens letter and reads
it.] Oh! [Reads some more.] Well, I never! [Reads
some more, registering delight; reads a few lines aloud.]
--have long loved you! [Gives a long audible sigh and reads
some more.] --marry me at once. Oh, it's a proposal. Reginald
has proposed. [Long sigh of relief.] Thank goodness. [Goes
toward entrance and calls.] Marie, Marie, get my wrap. No,
I can't wait. I'll have to telephone. [At door.] Get Central
for me, Marie, right away, and call up Mr. Brady. I have something
very important to tell him over the phone. [Ecstatically.]
Oh, Reginald! [Exit.]
MORE
MONOLOGUES BY WALTER BEN HARE |
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